Don’t Order From This Menu

557px-Cook_Guy_FieriTo visit Guy Fieri’s Times Square restaurant website, you simply click the link entitled It’s a courtesy to visitors who need not type out the full name to his place, Guy’s American Kitchen and Bar. But you might not know that, and if you do type in, you will be taken to a site mocking the celebrity chef with a menu that looks eerily real. In fact, I needed to ask my colleague, when he sent me the link, if it was fake. The entrĂ©e names seemed believable (“Honky-Tonky Double Barrel Meat-Loaded Blast,” “The ‘Hobo Lobo Bordello Slam Jam’ Appetizer,” “Reno!!!”).

But then you start reading the descriptions. For instance, “The Blitzmas Beast” consists of “two jumbo Big Gulp Slurpee cups filled with nacho cheese and tied to each other with 25 bacon strips fashioned into a giant bow. Shellacked with Slim Jim-style jus, and topped with a dollop of smoked kitchen leavings.” “Reno!!!” involves “popcorn-crusted popcorn chicken stuffed inside Guy’s Nuthin’ Fancy Meatloaf and superbanged in a volcano of Tabasco butter. We pour it into a Lucite heel, smother it with our own special jalapeno sugarbrew, and set it on your lap on a neon sign. Served drunk and on fire.” This comes with optional Cinnabons.

And I won’t even get into “Guy’s Big Balls.”

Hat tip: Mark Hemingway

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